I guess I’ve just needed time. Time to digest life. I feel like such a roller coaster. I hate it. I think I’m beginning to understand why I am the way I am. I hope so. For sanity sake.
In certain aspects, I am one of the most impatient people. Ever. I have a desperation about me for events to transpire at a pace likened to that of a sprint rather than a cross-country event. Is this right? Is this okay? Probably not. At times.
My life has become a balancing act of discovering the line that transcends balance, patience, waiting, wanting, desire, the passive, the agressive, etc. etc. etc.
“Settle down”, you may say. “Don’t be so dramatic”, you may follow with. “You shut your face”, I’ll fire back.
I just want to live! I want to be full! I do not want regret to enter my mind! But I would also prefer to shy away from being a fool.
So what’s the point?
In all seriousness, I look at someone like Tim Russert. I hate it so much. I feel so badly for his family. I watched Meet the Press almost every week. I generally found it to be quite brilliant to watch, to see the truth be awkwardly pulled out of the mouths of some, not all, but some, professional liars and shape shifters. Tim seemed, and I must emphasize seemed, since I did not meet him, like a man of conviction. He loved his family, desperately. You could see that. He worked very, very hard to be the best at what he did. And he had JOY doing it. He always seemed jovial, happy, thrilled… to be alive! To live and to love! To challenge and be challenged! Whether you agree with his political leanings and posturing or not, I believe he was able to transcend those areas that usually create immovable blocks and barriers.
And then its over.
We have to live. As full and as hard and as full of joy and love as we can. Because it can be over. Just like that. Crazy. I don’t fully know how to comprehend this. Probably never will.
I’m dedicating myself to stop being petty and frustrated so often. I want to live and love in the big and small. Frustrations can be mountains but they can be scaled and are temporary. Let us not forget those things which are true and right, which bring joy and fulfillment.
I was at a rather famous individual’s home for a luncheon in Nashville yesterday. As I walked through his castle of a home I looked down at a murial in the floor made of tile and written in a circular fashion it read “Love Everybody”.
Love Everybody. This individual could, if so desired, have a rather large ego and me-first mentality. A sense of having made it and being a step above everyone, etc. etc. But those simple words engraved in the floor of this home spoke volumes of the way he presented himself, his family, their sincerity, their genuine love for one another, their welcoming of complete and total strangers. It was striking.
We can choose to take our lives, our accomplishments, our victories, our failures, our defeats, our loves, our losses… we can take these and shove them in the faces of others as a giant eff you, or a woe is me, and on down the line. Or we can work hard, show an ounce or two of humility and love everybody.
Why is option b seemingly so much more difficult. Pride can become obscene. Being thankful and thanking for seems to be the road less traveled but far more fulfilling.
So, yeah, lets work hard, love everybody and have fun doing it.